Mission Update Week 2 - Healing Week

Hi friends!!! I am pretty excited and also a bit nervous to share what the Lord has been doing in my heart. This is my post about my second week in training (which at this point was two weeks ago, sorry so much has happened!).

Before leaving to be a missionary, many families I met with and shared my story with left me with encouraging words of how blessed I am to have received and responded to the missionary life. As I’ve entered my third week as a missionary, and having experienced the Lord speak to me, heal me, and bring to light truths that He is asking me to accept with His grace, I humbly feel the weight of how blessed the missionary life is and how grateful I am to be where I am right now.

The beginning of this week started with a healing retreat. We encountered various talks over the course of the few days, beginning with a look into sin and how it distorts the truth of who God is and how He sees us. After, we were challenged to recognize lies in our lives, whether about ourselves from others or lies we tell ourselves, and to let the Lord into those lies that have left wounds on our hearts and in our memories.

I had never experienced a healing retreat before and honestly didn’t know what to expect, but I definitely did know the Lord would bring to light the cobwebs in my heart and mind that I’ve let collect dust overtime. I had no idea which one (of many) lies I tell myself that the Lord wanted to clear clean, but I knew He was about to do something big in my heart.

As the retreat continued, and so many memories surfaced, I found myself in the chapel overwhelmed with all the cobwebs I’ve let remain on the shelves of my memories. Perplexed I called out, “Lord, why have I let all these lies and memories collect and just fester in my heart for so long?” I at once realized I had never invited Him into those places before. So, as I sat in the chapel, I decided to be open, lay out all those spiders and to offer them to Him. He quickly made it known where in my heart He wanted to begin healing.

Before I let the Lord enter into relationship with me 8 years ago, I could care less about the faith in which I grew up in…and in all reality, I held a lot of anger towards God because I felt like I had suffered unfairly from a lot of sinus complications. I felt like the God I was asked to adore in Mass wasn’t the same God in my life. I never felt defended or protected by God during my suffering of health issues, so as a freshman in high school, I wrote off completely having a personal relationship with God and let anger take His place instead.

Unfortunately yet also beautifully, during this healing week God spoke to me very clearly a specific traumatic memory I had encountered before I had my conversion of heart that happened 8 years ago. Sitting and hearing the talks I asked the Lord, “Are you seriously calling me to relive this memory Jesus?” He firmly and lovingly said, “Kellie, we need to go there.” So, I brought it to Jesus in the chapel and this specific experience of Confession I had as a freshman in high school kept surfacing. It was hurtful and I still struggle with the memory a lot, but through this healing retreat I finally allowed the Lord to enter into it and I’ve never felt more free.

At first, I was annoyed that the Lord wanted to address this event that happened to me because I felt like it was petty considering I have come so far in my relationship with the Lord. I never felt a reason to dwell on this experience either because I always brushed it off as not being a big deal. Initially I thought, “Lord I am a different person now, I forgive that priest. I love the beauty of Confession and it’s not a big deal.” No matter how much I tried to ignore the Lord bringing this up during healing week He kept bringing up this event and asking me to find healing. So, during one of the talks our speaker invited us to practice lamenting in prayer. She said, “Whatever is coming up and welling in your hearts, whatever you hear the Lord inviting you to let Him heal…go with it…and let yourself lament to the Lord with brutal honesty how all of that feels.”

After we broke up from the session, we were asked to enter into silent prayer, so, I finally let the Lord in. “Okay, Jesus,” I said, “I guess you really want to heal something from this memory.” Immediately, a lot of emotions and anger of the whole event surfaced. Before I could believe it, I was lamenting in prayer with frustration shouting, “Lord, I am really mad. Where were you in that confessional, in that gym where the priest yelled at me, called me names, who took things too far? I thought You were supposed to be present in that sacrament. You sure as heck weren’t there in that gym with me, Jesus. I trusted You and You let me down.” As I was letting the emotions out in prayer and weeping, I heard the voice of our leader who gave the talk say, “Now let Jesus into the wound.”

Next thing I know, I feel someone pick me up out of that uncomfortable folding chair, with the priest yelling at me fading out, and this man pick me up out of that chair and into His arms bridal style. I look at the man who picked me up and is carrying me out of the gym, and I see the man crying too. Jesus. He repeats to me over and over “You don’t need this, Kellie” with every step He takes out of that gym with me in His arms.

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Not gonna lie, sharing this wound on my blog I really prayed about and feel pretty vulnerable to do so…but I can’t help but feel like the healing I encountered from it was worth sharing and might even be necessary during this time of persecution in our Church from the evils of priests being brought to light. The Lord saw dust collect that I hadn't even noticed. He sought out to heal me in events that I couldn't even have expected. I can’t begin to express how beautiful it is to let the Lord enter some of your deepest wounds, to close your eyes and put yourself back in that event or that memory, and to then imagine the Lord entering in.

I realized from this healing retreat that the Lord didn’t want to just make Himself present in that event with me, but that He also wanted to begin speaking truth about what happened and who I am in His eyes and that I would begin the process to believe what the Lord believes about me. Upon reflecting all of this and replaying Jesus pick me up in His arms over and over, I realized the Lord was asking me to believe something…to believe in the truth that He defended me and has about every part of my life. I have found myself looking at the timeline of my life and making note of every memory I perhaps never felt like God was present. With every event I let come to the surface, I also asked the Lord to enter into…and over and over He has repeated this same truth to me that He was carrying me in His arms and out of those places that felt empty or dark.

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I share this because I know we all need the Lord to enter into our wounds, to free us from memories/hurts/lies that have chained us, and to speak to us His truth. It’s been hard and it’s not fun to replay the hurts, but I really challenge you and pray for you to let the Lord in….to let Him clear the cobweb of lies. Invite Him in, how does Jesus enter into that wound? Does He cry for you too? What is He doing? Is He saying anything to you? I pray you may consider these things and to not be afraid of the victory in which He wants to bring you.

May God Bless You & Protect You,

Kellie

(P.S. I hope to post a blog post soon of what everyday missions life is like, thanks for the support and bearing with me <3 )